A Dirty Fork!
by MarleneShadowheart
Summary: Cloud and Tifa are out on a dinner date at a fancy restaurant, and happen to notice that one of their forks is a little dirty...and you won't believe how the kitchen staff will act! Based off of Monty Python's "Dirty Fork". READ!  If you dare...?


**A/N: If you haven't seen Monty Python's "Dirty Fork", then I highly recommend doing that before you read, it will make it 10x funnier! **

**For all you folks who are a fan of Monty Python, this story is for you. :D**

**Disclaimers: As far as I know, I have never, ever owned Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, Monty Python's "Restaurant" sketch, or silverware in general. Whoever invented the fork, kudos to you for making foods like spaghetti more enjoyable and less disgusting to eat. **

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><p>At a fancy restaurant somewhere in Radiant Gardens, Cloud and Tifa took their seats across from each other and smiled as they took a good look around them.<p>

"It's nice here, isn't it?" said Tifa.

"Oh, very good restaurant," agreed Cloud, who had already been here once before. "Three stars you know."

Tifa raised her eyebrows with fascination. "Really?" she asked.

Cloud nodded. "Mmm," he mumbled as he noticed their waiter approaching their table.

"Good evening sir, good evening madam," said their spiky-haired waiter in a thick, false French accent. "My name is Sora, and may I just say what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir." He handed each of them a menu.

"Oh, thank you," said Cloud, taking his menu. He peered over his menu at Tifa, who was looking at hers with great interest. "Well, there you are dear," he said. "Have a look there, anything you like. The boeuf en croute is fantastic."

"Oh, if I may suggest sir," said Sora, who was still standing by. "The pheasant à la reine, the sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations!"

"Mmm," Cloud and Tifa said in unison. "That sounds good," exclaimed Cloud, looking over at his date again. "Anyways, just have a look; take your time…oh! Er…by the way," he said, turning to Sora, who was still standing by their table. "I've got a bit of a dirty fork; could you…er…get me another one?"

Sora scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion. "I beg your pardon?" he asked, not sure if he had heard right.

"Oh, it's nothing," mumbled Cloud as he tried to look over the menu. "Er…I've got a fork, a little bit dirty, could you get me another one?" He spoke quietly as not to attract too much attention.

Sora picked up the fork, and his eyes went wide with worry. "Oh sir, I do apologize," he said sincerely.

Cloud shrugged. "Oh, no need to apologize, it doesn't worry me." His eyes went back to his menu.

Sora shook his head. "Oh no, no, no, I do apologize! I will fetch the Head Waiter, _immediatement_!" (He said the last part in French!) He set the fork back down on the table and began to walk away.

Cloud put up his hand in concern. "Oh, there's no need to do that!" he said, hoping that they would just be able to go on with their date in peace.

"Oh no, no," said Sora, shaking his head once more. "I'm sure the Head Waiter; he will want to apologize to you himself. I will fetch him at once!" He left the table and ran into the kitchen.

Tifa shrugged and smiled at Cloud. "Well, you certainly do get good service here!"

"They really look after you, yes…" said Cloud, worrying that he had caused trouble for the staff.

A few seconds later, Sora came back to the table with the Head Waiter trailing along behind him. Sora pointed to the fork and nodded his head towards the Head Waiter, wringing his hands nervously.

Terra, the head waiter, smiled pleasantly at the two of them. "Excuse me sir and madam," he said, picking up the fork and examining it closely. "It's filthy!" he sneered in his own fake French accent. "Sora! Find out who washed this up, and give them their cards immediately!"

Cloud gasped and tried to intervene. "Oh, no, no…"

"Better still, we can't afford to take any chances, sack the entire washing-up staff!" Terra barked at the young boy.

"No look, I don't want to make any trouble…" started Cloud, in attempt to calm him down.

"Oh no, please, no trouble," said Terra, forcing a polite smile on his face. "It's quite right that you should point these kinds of things out." He turned back to Sora. "Sora! Tell the manager what has happened immediately!"

Sora cringed, but did as Terra told him and ran off towards the kitchen.

Cloud reached out his hand to try to stop Sora, but he was already out of sight. "Oh, no, I don't want to cause any fuss," he said.

"Please, it's no fuss," said Terra, still smiling pleasantly but gripping onto the back of the chair between them. "I quite simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of your meal."

"Oh, I'm sure it won't. It was only a dirty fork," laughed Cloud, smiling and going back to looking at his menu.

"I know," said Terra between clenched teeth. He suddenly started to get angry, his voice rising higher and higher, and his brown hair flying all over the place. "And I'm sorry, bitterly sorry. But I know that…no apologies I can make can alter the fact in our restaurant you have been given a dirty, filthy, SMELLY piece of cutlery!"

"It wasn't smelly…" argued Cloud weakly.

"It was smelly!" cried Terra, glaring angrily at the fork sitting on the table. "And obscene and disgusting and I hate it, I hate it! Nasty grubby, dirty, mingy, scrubby little fork…"

A tall man with long silver hair strode over to their table. "Terra," he said, keeping a calm disposition. "Terra!"

Terra finally stopped, looked at Riku and the fork hatefully, and then lurked back into the kitchen.

Riku smiled and turned to Cloud and Tifa. "Good evening sir, good evening madam, I'm the manager. I've only just heard. May I sit down?"

"Yes, of course," said Cloud, weary from all the commotion that had just taken place.

Riku sat down in front of the fork and folded his hands together, looking at each of them kindly before continuing. "I want to apologize humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the fork," he said seriously.

"Oh please, it's only a tiny bit. I couldn't see it," said Cloud, regretting that he had spoken up about it in the first place.

"Ah, you're good, fine people for saying that," said Riku, smiling sadly. He picked up the fork and stared at it, the smile fading from his face. "But I can see it. To me it's like a mountain; a vast bowl of pus!"

"It's not as bad as that," moaned Cloud, worried about another tantrum.

"It gets me here!" cried Riku, slamming his fist into his chest. "I can't give you any excuses for it; there are no excuses. I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant recently, but I haven't been too well." His eyes filled with tears as he began to get emotional. "Things aren't going very well back there," he said, pointing to the kitchen. "The poor cook's son has been put away again, and poor old Mrs. Pots who does the washing up can hardly move her poor fingers, and then there's Terra's war wound!" He grabbed onto Cloud's sleeve and looked into his eyes in sad desperation. "But they're good people," he whispered. He reached over and grabbed Tifa's arm too. "And they're kind people! And together, we were beginning to get over this dark patch! There was a light at the end of the tunnel! Now this! Now this happened!" He finally burst into tears and slammed his head against the table, his shoulders shaking violently with each new sob.

Cloud put his hand to his arm awkwardly, not knowing how to deal with this. "Can I get you some water?" he asked.

Riku lifted his head. "It's the end of the road!" he shouted in tears. He slammed his head against the table again and continued to cry some more.

Just then, the chef, Saix, came lumbering out of the kitchen to find their manager slumped over crying at someone's table. He marched over, his face red with anger and his scar pulsating on his face. "You bastards!" he screamed, his tall white hat bouncing around on his head.

Both Tifa and Cloud whirled around to face the angry man. As Cloud turned to face him, he realized in confusion that nobody else in the restaurant seemed to notice the display that had been going on at the table the entire time.

"You vicious, heartless, bastards!" Saix continued to scream. Cloud and Tifa laughed nervously as they thought it was supposed to be a joke.

This just made Saix angrier as he started foaming at the mouth. "Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is, and you come in with your petty, feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt!" He took a shaky breath as he held back tears. "This fine, honorable man whose boots you are not worthy to kiss! Oh, it makes me mad! Mad!" He reached into his apron, pulled out a butcher's knife, and sliced it into the center of the table, almost cracking it in half. Cloud instinctively reached his hand towards his Buster Sword.

Saix put his hands to his head as he started to go completely nuts right before their eyes. "Mad…" he groaned.

Terra ran in from the kitchen and put his hand out to calm the chef. "Easy Saix," he said, trying to sustain him. He gasped, and clutched his own head with his hands. "The wound! The wound!" he cried, squeezing his eyes shut at the pain. Saix continued to scream of his madness.

Riku slowly stood up and raised the fork to his face. "It's the end!" he screamed, staring at the fork. "The end! Aaarrrhhh!" He stabbed the fork into his stomach and fell to the ground beside them, making Tifa and Cloud gasp in fright. (Still, the other customers in the restaurant went about their usual business.)

"They've destroyed him!" screamed Saix, suddenly going completely insane. "He's dead! They killed him!"

He reached over, yanked the butcher's knife out from the table's surface, and lunged at them, but Terra held his arm back.

"No Saix!" he gasped, holding him back. He stood for a moment to catch his breath from his earlier "war wound" seizure. "Never…kill a customer!"

Just as Saix seemed to calm down, it happened again. Terra brought his hands to his head. "The wound! The wound!" he screamed once more.

"Not the wound!" yelled Saix.

As Terra fell to the floor in pain, Saix picked up his knife again, and raised it above his head. Just in time, Sora came in from the kitchen, ran at Saix, and clobbered him over the table and onto the ground.

_And now… the punch line!_

Cloud winced at the bodies sprawled all over the floor and on the table in front of him. He cleared his throat and turned towards the audience. "Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife," he said, nodding at Tifa.

Everyone else on the ground moaned at hearing that, and Cloud facepalmed at realizing that he shouldn't have said that either.

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><p><strong>Hope you liked the story! Peace out, fellow fanfictionites and fanfiction readers!<strong>


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